None of the nurses in the dialysis center said : "I told you so!" but I said it to myself. I have never really followed the renal diet closely; as a result I had sky high levels of phosphate and calcium, resulting in itchy skin all over my body. As a result of all the constant scratching, I had marks all over my body, not a pretty sight.
I needed to have my Parathyroid glands removed badly. This is because the itchiness I was experiencing indicated that my Parathyroid (PT) glands had already swollen tremendously by this time. Everyone has 4 PT glands. And it's not easy feat to remove all 4 because 2 will be in an obvious place (behind the thyroid glands) but 2 will be in not so obvious places.
I was told all this when I went for my first doctor's consultation. I was originally scheduled to have surgery on the 5th of July but because my nephrologist (kidney doctor) spoke to the endochrine surgeon (Thyroid and PT doctor) on my behalf, he managed to persuade the endochrine surgeon to move up my surgery date sooner, so on the 22nd of March, I went in for surgery...........
I was admited on the 19th, to prep me for the surgery on that fateful Friday. I was in surgery for 5 whole hours. And I was so very thankful that the surgeon managed to remove all 4 PT glands! He also dissected the smallest gland and implanted it into the muscle of my right arm; so I wouldn't lose my calcium regulation completely. That's right, the function of the PT glands is to regulate the calcium levels in your body.
When I came out of surgery, I felt really groggy, it was so surreal! My parents were there for me and told me that all 4 PT glands had been removed. I heard them, it registered in my brain but I couldn't speak because the PT glands were so near my vocal chords that my voice was then nearly gone.
During my next doctor's visit, I was told that I couldn't sing for 6 months, and I was told not the talk so much for now. I calculated on my desk calendar and the 6 month mark is the 22nd of September. So maybe I can sing this Christmas but I'll have to wait till next January to sing in the Church Worship Team.
All in all, I'm glad it's all over now. I just have to rest my vocal chords and later this year, I'll be able to sing my heart out for the Lord again!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The Destructiveness of a Fixation with Skinnyness
I think the media is largely to blame because of this! Women look at the various magazine covers and wish to look like the cover girls they see. "Oh! I wish I was that slim", "Oh! I wish I had her abs", and so on.
What they don't realize is the work that goes into that magazine cover. Most mag covers are air-brushed so the model looks 'perfect'. And many times, to look as 'fit' as they do, the models have to do all kinds of 'tricks' to look so 'perfect'. And these tricks can sometimes be dangerously unhealthy and should never be adopted long term to have that perfect bikini body! Even bikini models have an off and on season. Even they don't adopt those crazy plans all year round! Imagine cutting out fruit totally for weeks or even months! That can't be healthy! Loading up on proteins and cutting out carbs is also unhealthy for long term! These are some of the 'tricks' these models employ to look 'perfect'.
The only way to be healthy is to eat a healthy diet and exercise consistently. And please, drop the 'diet' mentality! By diet mentality, I mean : "I will strict in my diet until I lose this X pounds/kgs, then I can go back to 'normal eating". Nah-uh! This will never work! What will work is adopting a healthy lifestyle; which means eating healthy everyday of your life and exercising regularly and consistently!
Which brings me to the 80/20 rule. Eating like a rabbit all the time can get boring after some time. So, the 80/20 rule means : eat healthy like you should 80% of the time, and 20% of the time, you can eat the calorie dense food that you like an enjoy like ice-cream, cookies, potato chips, pizza, burgers and the like. But remember, watch your portion sizes ALL the time, no matter what it is you're eating. That's important too. Sure, you can eat unhealthy foods 20% of the time, but that's no licence to lose control and go crazy! Or you'll do more damage than good.
The reason for the 80/20 rule is : you do need to cut yourself some slack sometimes. Or your body will rebel and you'll binge, which will be even worse for you and your body. And you should not think of food in terms of good food and bad food. Just healthy and not so healthy food. It's all a question of balance.
And once you've reached your goal of a fitter and healthier body. You still need to maintain your weight loss. Which is why, once you go back to your 'normal eating', the weight will come back. Which is why, you must remember : a healthy lifestyle is for life!
Which brings me to my next point. You need both cardio (running, cycling, jogging, swimming, walking, etc.) and strength training (crunches, sit-ups, leg-lifts, lifting weights, etc.). Cardio is to exercise your heart and lungs and burn fat. And the strength training is to maintain and increase your muscles; which in turn will help you burn even more calories, even when you're sleeping!
And even when you think you've reached your goal and are already as 'perfect' as all you can be, you still have to maintain your new-found figure! Continue with the healthy diet and exercise! And remember the 80/20 rule! Or your new healthy eating habits will feel like a prison! And exercise!!!
What they don't realize is the work that goes into that magazine cover. Most mag covers are air-brushed so the model looks 'perfect'. And many times, to look as 'fit' as they do, the models have to do all kinds of 'tricks' to look so 'perfect'. And these tricks can sometimes be dangerously unhealthy and should never be adopted long term to have that perfect bikini body! Even bikini models have an off and on season. Even they don't adopt those crazy plans all year round! Imagine cutting out fruit totally for weeks or even months! That can't be healthy! Loading up on proteins and cutting out carbs is also unhealthy for long term! These are some of the 'tricks' these models employ to look 'perfect'.
The only way to be healthy is to eat a healthy diet and exercise consistently. And please, drop the 'diet' mentality! By diet mentality, I mean : "I will strict in my diet until I lose this X pounds/kgs, then I can go back to 'normal eating". Nah-uh! This will never work! What will work is adopting a healthy lifestyle; which means eating healthy everyday of your life and exercising regularly and consistently!
Which brings me to the 80/20 rule. Eating like a rabbit all the time can get boring after some time. So, the 80/20 rule means : eat healthy like you should 80% of the time, and 20% of the time, you can eat the calorie dense food that you like an enjoy like ice-cream, cookies, potato chips, pizza, burgers and the like. But remember, watch your portion sizes ALL the time, no matter what it is you're eating. That's important too. Sure, you can eat unhealthy foods 20% of the time, but that's no licence to lose control and go crazy! Or you'll do more damage than good.
The reason for the 80/20 rule is : you do need to cut yourself some slack sometimes. Or your body will rebel and you'll binge, which will be even worse for you and your body. And you should not think of food in terms of good food and bad food. Just healthy and not so healthy food. It's all a question of balance.
And once you've reached your goal of a fitter and healthier body. You still need to maintain your weight loss. Which is why, once you go back to your 'normal eating', the weight will come back. Which is why, you must remember : a healthy lifestyle is for life!
Which brings me to my next point. You need both cardio (running, cycling, jogging, swimming, walking, etc.) and strength training (crunches, sit-ups, leg-lifts, lifting weights, etc.). Cardio is to exercise your heart and lungs and burn fat. And the strength training is to maintain and increase your muscles; which in turn will help you burn even more calories, even when you're sleeping!
And even when you think you've reached your goal and are already as 'perfect' as all you can be, you still have to maintain your new-found figure! Continue with the healthy diet and exercise! And remember the 80/20 rule! Or your new healthy eating habits will feel like a prison! And exercise!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Grass Greener on the Other Side?
People in general always want what they don't have. And in a way, I'm no different. As a dialysis patient, I had to have surgery on my left arm to insert a fistula, which in layman's terms means that one of my main arteries in my left arm is 'joined' to a main vein in my left arm to my heart so that through this, the dialysis machine can get to circulate my blood to clean it. I'm sorry I can't explain any better, but that's the gist of it.
This surgery has left a very obvious and ugly scar on my upper left arm. As a result, I can't wear anything sleeveless anymore because it's way ugly. Neither can I wear halter necks, spaghetti straps or anything shoulder-less. So, when I see an attractive woman with a halter-neck dress or blouse, for instance, I can't help longing to wear something similar but I never can now because my scars are just too obvious.
I also find myself longing for the kind of life I'll probably never have now. A life of international travel, being a hot-shot executive, having a five figure a month income, well, you get the picture. Now that I have a fixed dialysis schedule, I'm finding it harder and harder to find a job. This is because I can only work part-time because 3 afternoons a week, I have to go for my treatments.
To an average employer in this country, that means taking half-day leave for 3 days a week, or having MCs (Medical Leave) 2 afternoons a week and that is unacceptable. Added to the fact that there are many fresh grads out there, with normal bodies that can work full-time, so, my chances of landing a job are even slimmer than before.
I do have some assistance to pay for my treatments, which isn't cheap. I also have a very small disability pension but that doesn't include my meds and injections. Meager as my income is, I still have to bear the costs of my medication and hormonal injections myself. These injections encourage my body to produce red blood cells, a function usually carried out by my kidneys. Since my kidneys aren't working, I need 4 jabs a week to make enough red blood cells.
As you can imagine, I still live with my parents. How can I not? I can't work normal hours and I only have a pittance to live on. Of course I know some people who have it worse than me. They don't even have a pension (little as it is in my case), and they don't have parents who'll take them in because their parents have already passed on, they may have little children dependent on them. Yes, I know, I have to count my blessings.
But it's still hard to deal with sometimes. Especially when you're surrounded by wealthy neighbors and you know your ex-classmates are doing much better than you are. But you know what? Dwelling on these things will only depress you. I can only live my life one day at a time. I've started sending short stories to publishers. I hope to be able to generate enough income through my writing soon.
This blog of mine is for me to get into the habit of writing so I can write something publishable someday. Other than that, I've decided to sell my cross-stitch pieces here :
http://eowynincross-stitch.blogspot.com/
I'm always cross-stitching something or other. Except these days, I'm more busy reading. I've read that the more good books you read, the more it'll rub off on you, and you indirectly become a better writer.
I am just a mere mortal woman. I can only do my best to get through life despite my limitations. I know some people are more capable than me but you can only play with the cards you're dealt with. Self-pity will only make things worse. It will eat you up inside. So, I can only trust God and live my life one day at time. I know that there are some things I can never do, now that I'm on dialysis.
Why not a kidney transplant? If only it were that simple! As I've mentioned in my previous blog, in this country, if you've gone through a successful kidney transplant, you will be considered a 'normal' person and all financial aids will stop. And a transplant is not the be all and end all. You still have to spend an obscene amount of money on anti-rejection drugs. Nope! I know some people will opt of a transplant but I'm content the way I am. At least I'm getting some financial aid. And I now have to time to indulge in writing. I really hope to be a published author someday............
This surgery has left a very obvious and ugly scar on my upper left arm. As a result, I can't wear anything sleeveless anymore because it's way ugly. Neither can I wear halter necks, spaghetti straps or anything shoulder-less. So, when I see an attractive woman with a halter-neck dress or blouse, for instance, I can't help longing to wear something similar but I never can now because my scars are just too obvious.
I also find myself longing for the kind of life I'll probably never have now. A life of international travel, being a hot-shot executive, having a five figure a month income, well, you get the picture. Now that I have a fixed dialysis schedule, I'm finding it harder and harder to find a job. This is because I can only work part-time because 3 afternoons a week, I have to go for my treatments.
To an average employer in this country, that means taking half-day leave for 3 days a week, or having MCs (Medical Leave) 2 afternoons a week and that is unacceptable. Added to the fact that there are many fresh grads out there, with normal bodies that can work full-time, so, my chances of landing a job are even slimmer than before.
I do have some assistance to pay for my treatments, which isn't cheap. I also have a very small disability pension but that doesn't include my meds and injections. Meager as my income is, I still have to bear the costs of my medication and hormonal injections myself. These injections encourage my body to produce red blood cells, a function usually carried out by my kidneys. Since my kidneys aren't working, I need 4 jabs a week to make enough red blood cells.
As you can imagine, I still live with my parents. How can I not? I can't work normal hours and I only have a pittance to live on. Of course I know some people who have it worse than me. They don't even have a pension (little as it is in my case), and they don't have parents who'll take them in because their parents have already passed on, they may have little children dependent on them. Yes, I know, I have to count my blessings.
But it's still hard to deal with sometimes. Especially when you're surrounded by wealthy neighbors and you know your ex-classmates are doing much better than you are. But you know what? Dwelling on these things will only depress you. I can only live my life one day at a time. I've started sending short stories to publishers. I hope to be able to generate enough income through my writing soon.
This blog of mine is for me to get into the habit of writing so I can write something publishable someday. Other than that, I've decided to sell my cross-stitch pieces here :
http://eowynincross-stitch.blogspot.com/
I'm always cross-stitching something or other. Except these days, I'm more busy reading. I've read that the more good books you read, the more it'll rub off on you, and you indirectly become a better writer.
I am just a mere mortal woman. I can only do my best to get through life despite my limitations. I know some people are more capable than me but you can only play with the cards you're dealt with. Self-pity will only make things worse. It will eat you up inside. So, I can only trust God and live my life one day at time. I know that there are some things I can never do, now that I'm on dialysis.
Why not a kidney transplant? If only it were that simple! As I've mentioned in my previous blog, in this country, if you've gone through a successful kidney transplant, you will be considered a 'normal' person and all financial aids will stop. And a transplant is not the be all and end all. You still have to spend an obscene amount of money on anti-rejection drugs. Nope! I know some people will opt of a transplant but I'm content the way I am. At least I'm getting some financial aid. And I now have to time to indulge in writing. I really hope to be a published author someday............
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Self-Control and Self-Consiousness
If you've been on dialysis for as long as I have, pretty soon, you'll start to get sick of the routine and start to get some sort of a death wish. I'm not saying all dialysis patients have a death wish but I certainly did. I started drinking water, tea, coffee, juice, soups whenever I wanted too, without care of how much fluid I was ingesting.
After years of tight fluid control, suddenly, I began thinking in a "Damned if I do and damned if I don't" kind of way. In other words, I started getting sick of watching normal people chug down ice-cold drinks and the like and started feeling this way : "Why can't I do it too?!".
Of course, as a dialysis patient, the cardinal rule is : watch your fluid intake, keep it down to less than 500ml if you can! But after doing this for so long, I guess I began to rebel. I started thinking : "Must I go through life thirsty and longing to drink more?".
Bad idea! Pretty soon, my pulse started racing and my blood pressure started dropping towards the 3rd hour of dialysis every time. And I mean every time! It got so bad that my blood pressure would even drop to 60/20ish! Now, that's bad! I mean, I was literally courting death. I felt bad too, when this happened. At these times, I was extracting 3 to 4kgs per treatment. Sometimes, I didn't even manage to extract all that I should because I felt so unwell.
My friends, the nurses, were justifiably worried about me. They warned me that if I continued this way, my fistula (the part of my arm that enables dialysis) could stop working altogether or my heart could eventually fail. I could even die but what happens if I don't die but keep dying. I would suffer an agonizingly slow death.
If my fistula failed, I might have to go on to CAPD and that's really bad news. I've heard that patients on CAPD can never shower again but have to clean themselves with a damp cloth to avoid getting the stomach area wet (to avoid serious infections) and I can't even stomach that (pun intended). CAPD means having a surgical insert in your stomach lining. You then have to do some kind of fluid exchange for around 30 minutes, 4 times a day everyday! To me, this is worse than being on hemodialysis (what I'm currently on, which means : you drop into a dialysis center 3 times week for a 4 hour treatment through the fistula in your arm).
Obviously, I was in a very bad and risky place! I realized that I have to go back to being disciplined with the way I was ingesting fluid aka. drinking. I have a digital weighing scale at home that I constantly use to check on my current weight. In this way, I keep an eye on my weight so I don't go beyond 3kgs. If I was really thirsty but was approaching the danger zone, I would just suck on an ice cube, but I can't do this too often either because each ice cube was 30mls of water, so I only do this if I'm really thirsty.
So far so good. I've been weighing in at less than 3kgs for around 2 weeks now. I've resolved to be disciplined and vigilant about my fluid intake for the rest of my life. I have no choice as I'd rather die than go on CAPD. Hemodialysis is way better. At least I still have some measure of freedom with it!
So, this is my 'new' resolve! I did have some iced-tea earlier today but I immediately weighed myself and I'm approaching the 2kg mark, so I'll have to watch it more carefully today. Don't want to go beyond 3kgs. So, I'll keep weighing myself and trying, keep trying to keep my weight gain to below 3kgs.............
After years of tight fluid control, suddenly, I began thinking in a "Damned if I do and damned if I don't" kind of way. In other words, I started getting sick of watching normal people chug down ice-cold drinks and the like and started feeling this way : "Why can't I do it too?!".
Of course, as a dialysis patient, the cardinal rule is : watch your fluid intake, keep it down to less than 500ml if you can! But after doing this for so long, I guess I began to rebel. I started thinking : "Must I go through life thirsty and longing to drink more?".
Bad idea! Pretty soon, my pulse started racing and my blood pressure started dropping towards the 3rd hour of dialysis every time. And I mean every time! It got so bad that my blood pressure would even drop to 60/20ish! Now, that's bad! I mean, I was literally courting death. I felt bad too, when this happened. At these times, I was extracting 3 to 4kgs per treatment. Sometimes, I didn't even manage to extract all that I should because I felt so unwell.
My friends, the nurses, were justifiably worried about me. They warned me that if I continued this way, my fistula (the part of my arm that enables dialysis) could stop working altogether or my heart could eventually fail. I could even die but what happens if I don't die but keep dying. I would suffer an agonizingly slow death.
If my fistula failed, I might have to go on to CAPD and that's really bad news. I've heard that patients on CAPD can never shower again but have to clean themselves with a damp cloth to avoid getting the stomach area wet (to avoid serious infections) and I can't even stomach that (pun intended). CAPD means having a surgical insert in your stomach lining. You then have to do some kind of fluid exchange for around 30 minutes, 4 times a day everyday! To me, this is worse than being on hemodialysis (what I'm currently on, which means : you drop into a dialysis center 3 times week for a 4 hour treatment through the fistula in your arm).
Obviously, I was in a very bad and risky place! I realized that I have to go back to being disciplined with the way I was ingesting fluid aka. drinking. I have a digital weighing scale at home that I constantly use to check on my current weight. In this way, I keep an eye on my weight so I don't go beyond 3kgs. If I was really thirsty but was approaching the danger zone, I would just suck on an ice cube, but I can't do this too often either because each ice cube was 30mls of water, so I only do this if I'm really thirsty.
So far so good. I've been weighing in at less than 3kgs for around 2 weeks now. I've resolved to be disciplined and vigilant about my fluid intake for the rest of my life. I have no choice as I'd rather die than go on CAPD. Hemodialysis is way better. At least I still have some measure of freedom with it!
So, this is my 'new' resolve! I did have some iced-tea earlier today but I immediately weighed myself and I'm approaching the 2kg mark, so I'll have to watch it more carefully today. Don't want to go beyond 3kgs. So, I'll keep weighing myself and trying, keep trying to keep my weight gain to below 3kgs.............
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Super Excited with my New Business Venture!
I'm always cross-stitching something or other. And I have a few finished unframed pieces in my collection. Today, I decided to photograph them and post them online for sale! This is my new business venture!
Check it out here! http://eowynincross-stitch.blogspot.com/
I hope you will like my work and order something! I will be posting new pieces as I complete them!
Hope to see you there!
Hugs,
eowyn
Check it out here! http://eowynincross-stitch.blogspot.com/
I hope you will like my work and order something! I will be posting new pieces as I complete them!
Hope to see you there!
Hugs,
eowyn
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Learning to Live Within My Means
It's a hot day! Again, I find myself longing to go to the nearby cafe, Coconut Groove to try their huge and icy Coconut Shake. I've never tried it before and it looks good on the menu. But it'll probably be a bad idea because 1) it's not exactly cheap 2) it comes in this huge jug which frankly to me looks like it could be shared with a family! Not a good idea for a dialysis patient like me; who need to control her fluid intake.
Also, as always, I have cravings for a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger, which again is not a good idea because of the cost, the amount of fat I'll be ingesting, not to mention sending my protein and phosphate levels rocketing sky high! Just think : 2 slices of cheese, 2 fatty beef patties, bad idea, not to mention the sodium. And don't even get me started on 'saving' money by ordering the McValue Meal, which adds more fat and sodium in the form of fries, not to mention the sugar-laden soda (soft drink) that comes with it.
But still I'm longing for something cool to drink as it's a hot day. So, what did I do? I went to the fridge and poured myself a small cup of ice-cold water! Ahhhhhhh! Bliss! So, you can save money if you really want to. Anyway, the sun out there is just frightfully hot, I don't even fancy walking out of this air-conditioned room where my computer is to get my burger or coconut shake.
If I'm hungry, my Mom's noodles will do. She cooked a huge batch to last us from lunch to dinner. I'll be saving money by not eating out. Inflation in Malaysia has driven the prices of everything up and up!; including cafe prices.
So, if you're hungering for some store bought food, ask yourself : is there anything in your fridge or pantry that is just as good, if not better and healthier? Then eat in, not out! Saves you money and you get to cool off in the comfort of your own home.
Just imagine popping your own popcorn with those cheap raw corn kernels. No butter or sugar, takes some getting used to but I think plain olive-oil popped corn is delicious! Then eating that pre-portioned bowl of popcorn and watching a movie on your DVD player in your air-conditioned hall! Now, that can't be beat! So, stay home when you can in your free time and be creative!
Also, as always, I have cravings for a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger, which again is not a good idea because of the cost, the amount of fat I'll be ingesting, not to mention sending my protein and phosphate levels rocketing sky high! Just think : 2 slices of cheese, 2 fatty beef patties, bad idea, not to mention the sodium. And don't even get me started on 'saving' money by ordering the McValue Meal, which adds more fat and sodium in the form of fries, not to mention the sugar-laden soda (soft drink) that comes with it.
But still I'm longing for something cool to drink as it's a hot day. So, what did I do? I went to the fridge and poured myself a small cup of ice-cold water! Ahhhhhhh! Bliss! So, you can save money if you really want to. Anyway, the sun out there is just frightfully hot, I don't even fancy walking out of this air-conditioned room where my computer is to get my burger or coconut shake.
If I'm hungry, my Mom's noodles will do. She cooked a huge batch to last us from lunch to dinner. I'll be saving money by not eating out. Inflation in Malaysia has driven the prices of everything up and up!; including cafe prices.
So, if you're hungering for some store bought food, ask yourself : is there anything in your fridge or pantry that is just as good, if not better and healthier? Then eat in, not out! Saves you money and you get to cool off in the comfort of your own home.
Just imagine popping your own popcorn with those cheap raw corn kernels. No butter or sugar, takes some getting used to but I think plain olive-oil popped corn is delicious! Then eating that pre-portioned bowl of popcorn and watching a movie on your DVD player in your air-conditioned hall! Now, that can't be beat! So, stay home when you can in your free time and be creative!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Meeting Myself Halfway
Loosing weight is an uphill battle even if you're not on steroids, but even more of an uphill battle with steroids. I was prescribe steroids by my nephrologist (kidney doctor) when my SLE was active. At that time, my weight ballooned up to 68kgs! Imagine being that heavy at 4 feet 11, I was overweight, bordering on obese!
No matter what I did at that time, the extra weight just refused to budge! To make matters worse, I had a tummy to rival that of a pregnant woman! And I was teased by heartless people for my tummy problem! To make matters worse, the steroids also increased my appetite. Now, I have a pretty good appetite even without the steroids but with the steroids, I was hungry all the time! And I had to eat a lot to fill my rumbling tummy! So, that made it even harder to slim down.
Then came the magical day when my doctor announced that steroid are not meant to be taken long term and that I'd be taken off the steroids from that day onwards. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I don't have to take them anymore! And within a few short months, my extra weight just melted off and I've been maintaining at 56kgs ever since.
Of course, I'm a work in progress and I'm still striving to lower my fat levels to improve my body composition. In other words, I still have a little bit of a tummy problem that I'm striving to get rid off. But who knows, maybe if I listen to my body, I'm at a healthy compromise right now, but well see, I'll keep eating healthy and exercise and I'll see where that takes me.
I'm a member of Sparkpeople (www.sparkpeople.com), a website that teaches you how to be as healthy as you can be through proper diet and exercise; and they teach that you should never go through life hungry. If you're really hungry, you should eat enough, don't overeat.
After all, how fun can it be if you're hungry all the time and have a twiggy figure. It's better to be healthy and reasonably satiated. In other words, eat enough, not too little, not too much. And it's better to be healthy, slim and fit than to be skinny but hungry all the time.
And to celebrate my new weight, I've purchase some designer skinny jeans that were 50% off! And I'm loving the way I look in it! But like I said earlier, I'm still a work in progress!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Daily Decisions
It was a very hot day today. It was too hot for me to walk to the mini-mall nearby. So, my Mom dropped me off there at around 1pm today. The Easter Sale at the Christian bookstore officially started today, which was why I was so excited to go there.
I've had my eye on the ESV (English Standard Version) Study Bible for a long time now. The leather edition sells for above RM224! Because of the Easter Sale discount, for a limited time, I can get it for only RM179! So, this afternoon, I headed straight to the Christian bookstore and bought it! The last pristine copy left! It's like the Study Bible was waiting for me to buy it!
I'm so excited! I can't wait to delve into it tonight during my quiet time. I have extra motivation to read the Bible now! I've been rather lax lately, I hope my enthusiasm lasts though! Heck! I'll make it last! I've never read the Bible cover to cover in all my years as a Christian, well, this is the year I'll finally succeed!
After that, I went to an air-conditioned cafe, known as "Kitchen Creatures". It's a no frills restaurant with bright lighting and ample natural sunshine to make it an ideal place for me to do cross-stitch in. Well, since my Mom is giving me the entire afternoon to hang around here, I brought my cross-stitch along! Man, did I make progress on that project today!
"Hmmmm! What to order?". I finally decided on their home-made fish fingers as I just wanted a small snack, I already had lunch, some taiwanese meat sauce noodles, courtesy of my Mom, she brought it home for me (I ate before my outing).
The fish fingers were delicious. I then asked for ice and poured my little bottle of water that I always carry with me into the glass, Ah refreshing iced-water! But then, I was still v. thirsty, like I said, it was a hot day!
I then order some old-fashioned root beer, sweetened with cane sugar, NOT HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup)! 40 grams of sugar, oh well! The lesser of the 2 evils, at least it 's not HFCS! (refer to article on HFCS on SP!). And it's not everyday I drink soda......
The 4pm rolled around. I was starting to feel hungry again, looking at all the delicious food the other patrons were ordering. I was busily cross-stitching by then. At around 4.30pm, I finally gave in and ordered a pizza. Now, the pizza's here only come in one size : 10 inches in diameter.
Oh Man! I can't finish that much pizza! Then, an idea come to me, courtesy of my SP membership! I'll brown bag what I can't finish home! Then I can have another meal of two for later or I can even treat my family to pizza! So, being a good girl, I ordered the vegetarian pizza, because I was supposed to watch my protein/phosphate levels, and only ate 3 slices, I ordered the waiter to brown bag the rest straightaway, so I wouldn't be tempted to polish it all off, it was delicious!!!!
When I got home, I was too full to eat dinner, but I figured some more vegies won't hurt, so I ate a small serving of bitter gourd that my Mom cooked. I was thinking, I shouldn't have ordered the pizza as my Mom cooked a nice dinner today, but hey! I was hungry in that cafe, surrounded by people eating pizza and pasta!
Oh, well! I just consider it a celebration of sorts for my finally getting my BIG treat : The ESV Study Bible! Man! It feels so good to treat myself! I can't afford to do that all the time though.......so the next treat will in the next 2 months of so........
I've had my eye on the ESV (English Standard Version) Study Bible for a long time now. The leather edition sells for above RM224! Because of the Easter Sale discount, for a limited time, I can get it for only RM179! So, this afternoon, I headed straight to the Christian bookstore and bought it! The last pristine copy left! It's like the Study Bible was waiting for me to buy it!
I'm so excited! I can't wait to delve into it tonight during my quiet time. I have extra motivation to read the Bible now! I've been rather lax lately, I hope my enthusiasm lasts though! Heck! I'll make it last! I've never read the Bible cover to cover in all my years as a Christian, well, this is the year I'll finally succeed!
After that, I went to an air-conditioned cafe, known as "Kitchen Creatures". It's a no frills restaurant with bright lighting and ample natural sunshine to make it an ideal place for me to do cross-stitch in. Well, since my Mom is giving me the entire afternoon to hang around here, I brought my cross-stitch along! Man, did I make progress on that project today!
"Hmmmm! What to order?". I finally decided on their home-made fish fingers as I just wanted a small snack, I already had lunch, some taiwanese meat sauce noodles, courtesy of my Mom, she brought it home for me (I ate before my outing).
The fish fingers were delicious. I then asked for ice and poured my little bottle of water that I always carry with me into the glass, Ah refreshing iced-water! But then, I was still v. thirsty, like I said, it was a hot day!
I then order some old-fashioned root beer, sweetened with cane sugar, NOT HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup)! 40 grams of sugar, oh well! The lesser of the 2 evils, at least it 's not HFCS! (refer to article on HFCS on SP!). And it's not everyday I drink soda......
The 4pm rolled around. I was starting to feel hungry again, looking at all the delicious food the other patrons were ordering. I was busily cross-stitching by then. At around 4.30pm, I finally gave in and ordered a pizza. Now, the pizza's here only come in one size : 10 inches in diameter.
Oh Man! I can't finish that much pizza! Then, an idea come to me, courtesy of my SP membership! I'll brown bag what I can't finish home! Then I can have another meal of two for later or I can even treat my family to pizza! So, being a good girl, I ordered the vegetarian pizza, because I was supposed to watch my protein/phosphate levels, and only ate 3 slices, I ordered the waiter to brown bag the rest straightaway, so I wouldn't be tempted to polish it all off, it was delicious!!!!
When I got home, I was too full to eat dinner, but I figured some more vegies won't hurt, so I ate a small serving of bitter gourd that my Mom cooked. I was thinking, I shouldn't have ordered the pizza as my Mom cooked a nice dinner today, but hey! I was hungry in that cafe, surrounded by people eating pizza and pasta!
Oh, well! I just consider it a celebration of sorts for my finally getting my BIG treat : The ESV Study Bible! Man! It feels so good to treat myself! I can't afford to do that all the time though.......so the next treat will in the next 2 months of so........
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Some Minor Adjustments
Anyone can get used to anything, even if it is unpleasant or difficult. That's what I found out during my years as a dialysis patient. I've been a dialysis patient for 6 years and counting now.
At first I encountered less problems (after I got free of my IJC : which is the tube inserted into my jagular vein, that is, my neck before my arm access matured), as my body was still new to dialysis. But now, going into my 6th year, my heart is not as healthy as it once was, and the phosphate, calcium & potassium levels have accumulated in my blood due to careless eating.
As a dialysis patient, I can't eat like a normal person. Well, after 6 years I guess I kinda think : "What the heck! I'll die someday even if I'm careful anyway, so I might as well enjoy eating", and went on my merry way eating whatever I like, however much I like, "to hell with portion control!", until the doctor gave me an ultimatum.....
So, in a nutshell, I have to really watch my protein, phosphate (protein and phosphate are like partners : where there's protein, there's phosphate), potassium, sodium and fluid intake. No excuses, no arguments or my medical fees are going to go up. That is, the doctor has threatened to exchange my phosphate binder from the affordable Calcium Carbonate to the more effective & much more costly Lanthanum Salts.
Now, I'm already spending a lot on my condition as it is, so I guess I have no choice but to be a good girl and follow the renal diet closely. So, today I was preparing dinner for myself, my Dad and my brother, because my Mom was out and requested I handle dinner.
So, I thought, "Yay! I'm finally in control of the menu, so let's put this new diet to work in my cooking today!", If my Mom cooks something that's unsuitable for me, I just take less of the unsuitable foods and more of the suitable components but today, I was in control.
Omelettes? Well, I can't have egg yolks but I can have egg whites. Minor adjustment : I just separated the yolks from the whites and prepared 2 omelettes! One using the whites and one using just the yolks, my normal Dad and brother can have the yolks, I'll take the whites. A little more effort maybe, but it was just a minor adjustment. I didn't waste food and everyone's happy!
Meat, I can't have much, but I'm not just cooking for me, but for my Dad and brother as well, I'll just prepare a meat dish and they can have it, I'll either not take the meat or take just one small piece. Again, everyone's happy.
I also cooked a vegetable dish, that I can have, but not too much though, I have to watch my potassium levels as well, I also fried some potatoes. But before cooking the potatoes, I soaked them in water first after slicing them to leach out the potassium. No addition of phosphate to crisp up the potatoes, I just fried them fresh. I took just a few slices because potatoes have phosphate too.
Minor adjustments like these just take a little bit of effort but I have to make them because my life depends on it. If my phosphate & company levels get out of control, there will be some unpleasant and potentially life threatening consequences. I'll just have to adjust and control my desires for certain foods.
Minor adjustments, I can do that! It's no problem! After all, it's my life I'm prolonging!
At first I encountered less problems (after I got free of my IJC : which is the tube inserted into my jagular vein, that is, my neck before my arm access matured), as my body was still new to dialysis. But now, going into my 6th year, my heart is not as healthy as it once was, and the phosphate, calcium & potassium levels have accumulated in my blood due to careless eating.
As a dialysis patient, I can't eat like a normal person. Well, after 6 years I guess I kinda think : "What the heck! I'll die someday even if I'm careful anyway, so I might as well enjoy eating", and went on my merry way eating whatever I like, however much I like, "to hell with portion control!", until the doctor gave me an ultimatum.....
So, in a nutshell, I have to really watch my protein, phosphate (protein and phosphate are like partners : where there's protein, there's phosphate), potassium, sodium and fluid intake. No excuses, no arguments or my medical fees are going to go up. That is, the doctor has threatened to exchange my phosphate binder from the affordable Calcium Carbonate to the more effective & much more costly Lanthanum Salts.
Now, I'm already spending a lot on my condition as it is, so I guess I have no choice but to be a good girl and follow the renal diet closely. So, today I was preparing dinner for myself, my Dad and my brother, because my Mom was out and requested I handle dinner.
So, I thought, "Yay! I'm finally in control of the menu, so let's put this new diet to work in my cooking today!", If my Mom cooks something that's unsuitable for me, I just take less of the unsuitable foods and more of the suitable components but today, I was in control.
Omelettes? Well, I can't have egg yolks but I can have egg whites. Minor adjustment : I just separated the yolks from the whites and prepared 2 omelettes! One using the whites and one using just the yolks, my normal Dad and brother can have the yolks, I'll take the whites. A little more effort maybe, but it was just a minor adjustment. I didn't waste food and everyone's happy!
Meat, I can't have much, but I'm not just cooking for me, but for my Dad and brother as well, I'll just prepare a meat dish and they can have it, I'll either not take the meat or take just one small piece. Again, everyone's happy.
I also cooked a vegetable dish, that I can have, but not too much though, I have to watch my potassium levels as well, I also fried some potatoes. But before cooking the potatoes, I soaked them in water first after slicing them to leach out the potassium. No addition of phosphate to crisp up the potatoes, I just fried them fresh. I took just a few slices because potatoes have phosphate too.
Minor adjustments like these just take a little bit of effort but I have to make them because my life depends on it. If my phosphate & company levels get out of control, there will be some unpleasant and potentially life threatening consequences. I'll just have to adjust and control my desires for certain foods.
Minor adjustments, I can do that! It's no problem! After all, it's my life I'm prolonging!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Don't take life for granted!
There's a saying that you won't miss something you have until it's gone. I find this very true, I used to be normal, able and even encouraged to drink more water, the more the better. Well, I can't do that anymore because I'm now a hemodialysis patient. In other words, my kidneys have lost their function and I have to limit my fluid intake drastically and also follow the renal diet.
The renal diet means, less of certain fruits (making sure that I have low potassium levels), less salt, less phosphate (less meat, dairy products, nuts, beans & mushrooms), I also have to watch my dietary calcium levels for some reason too. In other words, I can't just stuff my face whenever I like anymore. Hence, going to an all-you-can-eat buffet is a bad idea now.
Well, enough of the things I can't do. What about things I can? I still have my eyesight, which I thank the Lord every minute of every day for. I don't know what I'd do without my eyesight. Granted, I wear prescription glasses for myopia (short-sightedness) but I can see! I don't know what I'd do if I can't occupy my time with reading, writing and cross-stitch embroidery!
Now that I'm on hemodialysis, I can't hold a regular full-time job anymore as not many employers give you flexi-hours where you can leave work early 3 times a week. On the upside though, I have lot's of time on my hands, and this is exactly what I want in order to be a published author.
From now on, I'll devote some time to writing in general, whether it's this blog or some short stories. I'll keep sending out manuscripts until they get published. This is how J. K. Rowling started too. Did you know that the first few publishers actually rejected Harry Potter. Look at JKR now!
Anything is possible, you just have to keep trying!
The renal diet means, less of certain fruits (making sure that I have low potassium levels), less salt, less phosphate (less meat, dairy products, nuts, beans & mushrooms), I also have to watch my dietary calcium levels for some reason too. In other words, I can't just stuff my face whenever I like anymore. Hence, going to an all-you-can-eat buffet is a bad idea now.
Well, enough of the things I can't do. What about things I can? I still have my eyesight, which I thank the Lord every minute of every day for. I don't know what I'd do without my eyesight. Granted, I wear prescription glasses for myopia (short-sightedness) but I can see! I don't know what I'd do if I can't occupy my time with reading, writing and cross-stitch embroidery!
Now that I'm on hemodialysis, I can't hold a regular full-time job anymore as not many employers give you flexi-hours where you can leave work early 3 times a week. On the upside though, I have lot's of time on my hands, and this is exactly what I want in order to be a published author.
From now on, I'll devote some time to writing in general, whether it's this blog or some short stories. I'll keep sending out manuscripts until they get published. This is how J. K. Rowling started too. Did you know that the first few publishers actually rejected Harry Potter. Look at JKR now!
Anything is possible, you just have to keep trying!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Waking up after a long sleep of negativity......
I'd like to say that I've always been positive about my lot in life but I haven't been, not always. I have episodes of denial and depression where I'll keep questioning God, "why me?". For those that are new to my blogs, allow me to explain : I have SLE, Lupus, as it's popularly known and it has cause my ESRF (end-stage renal failure), in other words, I now require dialysis for the rest of my earthly life.
I know that I've drove many people crazy with my "why me?" diatribes. I've always been envious of my old classmates who have gone on to successful careers, marriages that have double incomes with property (houses), cars etc. Things that I currently don't have because I'm finding difficulty to secure employment.
I'm ashamed to say that I have a very negative view of myself : a woman in her 30s, still living at home with her parents, without a job, and without functioning kidneys. I've always felt like a big, fat failure until tonight, after reading a story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul : Think Positive" by Toni L. Martin.
In this story, Toni talks about her late daughter, who also had SLE. But unlike me, she had it worse, at least I'm not in pain or in hospital. My life is actually pretty normal except for the fact that I visit a dialysis center 3 times a week for my treatments. Toni's daughter, Amanda, had to have dialysis every night for 10 hours, and had to be hospitalized towards the end of her life. I'm not sure whether she was in pain towards the end of her life, but compared to her, I'm can be considered pretty fortunate.
I have 4 dialysis-free days that I can do whatever I like in, merely because of the fact that I'm not employed like all my other friends. I have a confession to make, I've always wanted to be a published author. If I had been completely healthy, I would probably be working myself to an early heart attack in a stressful IT job (what I qualified in, I have a degree in IT).
Now, at least I have to free time to try writing some pieces and get them published. Which is exactly what I'm going to do from now on. Yes! I'm now a full-time author! I will not complain about my life anymore! I feel as if God has reveal His purpose for my life tonight! And I'm so happy I can almost burst from the joy I feel in my heart! I'm Free! I'm free to write!
I've always wanted to write children's books. And now, I have all the time in the world to indulge in my passion of writing, including this blog! Actually, this blog is just a start, a start to get me into the discipline of writing anything, anything that occurs to me.
My heart is bursting for joy at this moment! I finally have a purposed in life! After wasting 6 years in the deep slumber of negativity of moaning and complaining, I've finally 'got it'!
I know that I've drove many people crazy with my "why me?" diatribes. I've always been envious of my old classmates who have gone on to successful careers, marriages that have double incomes with property (houses), cars etc. Things that I currently don't have because I'm finding difficulty to secure employment.
I'm ashamed to say that I have a very negative view of myself : a woman in her 30s, still living at home with her parents, without a job, and without functioning kidneys. I've always felt like a big, fat failure until tonight, after reading a story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul : Think Positive" by Toni L. Martin.
In this story, Toni talks about her late daughter, who also had SLE. But unlike me, she had it worse, at least I'm not in pain or in hospital. My life is actually pretty normal except for the fact that I visit a dialysis center 3 times a week for my treatments. Toni's daughter, Amanda, had to have dialysis every night for 10 hours, and had to be hospitalized towards the end of her life. I'm not sure whether she was in pain towards the end of her life, but compared to her, I'm can be considered pretty fortunate.
I have 4 dialysis-free days that I can do whatever I like in, merely because of the fact that I'm not employed like all my other friends. I have a confession to make, I've always wanted to be a published author. If I had been completely healthy, I would probably be working myself to an early heart attack in a stressful IT job (what I qualified in, I have a degree in IT).
Now, at least I have to free time to try writing some pieces and get them published. Which is exactly what I'm going to do from now on. Yes! I'm now a full-time author! I will not complain about my life anymore! I feel as if God has reveal His purpose for my life tonight! And I'm so happy I can almost burst from the joy I feel in my heart! I'm Free! I'm free to write!
I've always wanted to write children's books. And now, I have all the time in the world to indulge in my passion of writing, including this blog! Actually, this blog is just a start, a start to get me into the discipline of writing anything, anything that occurs to me.
My heart is bursting for joy at this moment! I finally have a purposed in life! After wasting 6 years in the deep slumber of negativity of moaning and complaining, I've finally 'got it'!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I must! I must! I must control my fluid intake!!!
After countless warnings from the nurses about my fluid intake (read : ice-cold water) and spending about 3 to 4 months at the top of the heaviest patients list, I've finally decided to get serious with myself and not take my good health for granted.
You see, dialysis patients like myself can't afford to keep extracting 4 kilos every time we dialyse. It will weaken our hearts because our hearts have to work harder, the more fluid is extracted from us. In most dialysis centers, the maximum that can be extracted is 4 kilos. So, yes, I'm a very naughty girl!
I used to be a good patient, I would only gain 2 plus or 3 plus kilos every time. I don't know what's got into me, I guess I was thinking : "What the heck! Everyone dies sooner or later, I might as well have a good time drinking ice-cold drinks in this hot climate!". Which is of course, very wrong and foolhardy of me.
I guess that after being on dialysis for 6 years, I'm beginning to get a little over-confident of my seeming good health and problem-free heart and also I might be having a death wish because I'm a little sick of being a dialysis patient. Imagine being stuck to a machine for 4 hours 3 time a week with one of my hands immobile (the hand where the dialysis access is, the hand that connects me to the dialysis machine).
True, I've finished many good books (my own and the library's) during dialysis treatments but I keep thinking, there has got to be more to life then this! I mean, I can't even get a regular job like a regular person because which boss likes it if his/her employee has to get off work early 3 times a week?! I'm still looking though........I'm sure somehow somewhere I'll find a good job that will take into account my limitations as well as my talents and qualifications.
In the mean time, I just have to keep applying, praying, hoping and keep a positive and hopeful attitude. And most importantly, if I want to live longer, to control my fluid intake...............
You see, dialysis patients like myself can't afford to keep extracting 4 kilos every time we dialyse. It will weaken our hearts because our hearts have to work harder, the more fluid is extracted from us. In most dialysis centers, the maximum that can be extracted is 4 kilos. So, yes, I'm a very naughty girl!
I used to be a good patient, I would only gain 2 plus or 3 plus kilos every time. I don't know what's got into me, I guess I was thinking : "What the heck! Everyone dies sooner or later, I might as well have a good time drinking ice-cold drinks in this hot climate!". Which is of course, very wrong and foolhardy of me.
I guess that after being on dialysis for 6 years, I'm beginning to get a little over-confident of my seeming good health and problem-free heart and also I might be having a death wish because I'm a little sick of being a dialysis patient. Imagine being stuck to a machine for 4 hours 3 time a week with one of my hands immobile (the hand where the dialysis access is, the hand that connects me to the dialysis machine).
True, I've finished many good books (my own and the library's) during dialysis treatments but I keep thinking, there has got to be more to life then this! I mean, I can't even get a regular job like a regular person because which boss likes it if his/her employee has to get off work early 3 times a week?! I'm still looking though........I'm sure somehow somewhere I'll find a good job that will take into account my limitations as well as my talents and qualifications.
In the mean time, I just have to keep applying, praying, hoping and keep a positive and hopeful attitude. And most importantly, if I want to live longer, to control my fluid intake...............
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Another 2 have left us...........
After that middle-aged gentleman landed in an ambulance that evening, everyone wondered about his fate, about whether he will pull through and continue living while on dialysis treatments like the rest of us. He was in hospital from that evening till now............until, Tuesday night, when he answered God's summons.
That's right, he has left us. But then we (the rest of the dialysis patients in the center) kind of expected this because he was feeling poorly for the last few weeks he was undergoing treatment. In addition to that, his arm access has collapsed, that means he can't dialyse through neither of his arms anymore. His temporary neck access also got clogged up till his face was bloated.
Because of all that, he was dialysing through his thigh, which isn't very hygenic, especially for a man as it's near the organ where men urinate...... Needless to say, he was one unhappy man!
Like I said, we expected news of his death anytime, and the fact that he has hung on to life all this while is already some sort of a miracle, given his health complications. But he is not the only one to leave us...... An elderly lady who is a paragon of fluid control, and was seemingly healthy left us on Monday evening. Just about a day before this man.
This lady's death was totally unexpected. Like I said, she's one of the better patients, someone who really watches her fluid intake (even I have trouble with that!), she usually extracts at most 1.8kgs, which is very good for a dialysis patient. I usually extract more that 3kgs! (I'm so ashamed, compared to this Aunty!).
In addition, this old lady doesn't have any heart problem or any other problem, though she's above 80! Sure, she needs to be pushed in a wheel chair because she can't walk now and can stand only a short while but hey, she's above 80! Her death was a big shock to us all!
Another old lady's arm access has also failed, so she has to go through Peritoneal Dialysis. A nasty form of dialysis, where you need a catheter inserted surgically into your stomach and you pump 2 litres of fluid every 6 hours for everyday of your life. Some patients prefer that but for me, no, thank you, I'd rather stick to Hemodialysis!
So, in short 3 people have left us, 2 to go to Heaven & 1 to home treatment on Peritoneal Dialysis. I hope I never leave this friendly center until it's time for me to meet my Maker.......
That's right, he has left us. But then we (the rest of the dialysis patients in the center) kind of expected this because he was feeling poorly for the last few weeks he was undergoing treatment. In addition to that, his arm access has collapsed, that means he can't dialyse through neither of his arms anymore. His temporary neck access also got clogged up till his face was bloated.
Because of all that, he was dialysing through his thigh, which isn't very hygenic, especially for a man as it's near the organ where men urinate...... Needless to say, he was one unhappy man!
Like I said, we expected news of his death anytime, and the fact that he has hung on to life all this while is already some sort of a miracle, given his health complications. But he is not the only one to leave us...... An elderly lady who is a paragon of fluid control, and was seemingly healthy left us on Monday evening. Just about a day before this man.
This lady's death was totally unexpected. Like I said, she's one of the better patients, someone who really watches her fluid intake (even I have trouble with that!), she usually extracts at most 1.8kgs, which is very good for a dialysis patient. I usually extract more that 3kgs! (I'm so ashamed, compared to this Aunty!).
In addition, this old lady doesn't have any heart problem or any other problem, though she's above 80! Sure, she needs to be pushed in a wheel chair because she can't walk now and can stand only a short while but hey, she's above 80! Her death was a big shock to us all!
Another old lady's arm access has also failed, so she has to go through Peritoneal Dialysis. A nasty form of dialysis, where you need a catheter inserted surgically into your stomach and you pump 2 litres of fluid every 6 hours for everyday of your life. Some patients prefer that but for me, no, thank you, I'd rather stick to Hemodialysis!
So, in short 3 people have left us, 2 to go to Heaven & 1 to home treatment on Peritoneal Dialysis. I hope I never leave this friendly center until it's time for me to meet my Maker.......
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Someone landed into an ambulance last evening....
Hi, I was just having my dialysis treatment as usual yesterday evening. Then, all of a sudden, someone's treatment ended, which just means he has completed his 4 hours of dialysis. But when the nurses went over to wake him (he appeared as if he were asleep), he just wouldn't wake up! Despite several nurses (they were all crowding around him by then!) shouting his name, and slapping his cheek, etc.
This middle-aged gentleman, usually goes home by cab as his children are all busy with their own lives. However, after unsuccessfully trying to wake him, everyone realized that he was in fact in a dialysis coma; which means he fell asleep during treatment and slipped into a coma without anyone being the wiser; in other words, he collapsed without anyone knowing it (including himself).
So, instead of a cab, he ended up on a stretcher in an ambulance. I will pray for him tonight. But if he doesn't make it, he will just join the rest of the people I know who's been called home to the Lord from the dialysis center.
Sure, I feel scared. If it can happen to him, why not me, I'm a dialysis patient too......
This middle-aged gentleman, usually goes home by cab as his children are all busy with their own lives. However, after unsuccessfully trying to wake him, everyone realized that he was in fact in a dialysis coma; which means he fell asleep during treatment and slipped into a coma without anyone being the wiser; in other words, he collapsed without anyone knowing it (including himself).
So, instead of a cab, he ended up on a stretcher in an ambulance. I will pray for him tonight. But if he doesn't make it, he will just join the rest of the people I know who's been called home to the Lord from the dialysis center.
Sure, I feel scared. If it can happen to him, why not me, I'm a dialysis patient too......
Why I'd rather be on dialysis than have a transplant.
Hi, I'm a dialysis patient. I have been one for around 6 years. I am not a good candidate for a kidney transplant because the cause of my kidney failure is SLE. SLE patients aren't good candidates for a transplant, as the SLE that caused my kidney failure in the first place just might happen again. SLE is an autoimmune disease whereby my immune system produces mutant antibodies that attacks my own organs. That, my friends, in a nutshell explains what happened to my kidneys.
A bit more about SLE, in different SLE sufferers, different organs get attacked. For some, it's the kidneys, others, the heart (which can even be fatal), some others, the skin, and some, even the brain. I have been on the renal diet for a total of 13 years, which means I've managed to stall eventual dialysis for 7 years after I was first diagnosed with SLE.
What most people don't know is, even if a dialysis patient (for argument's sake, one that doesn't have SLE) does get a successful transplant, they will have to be on immunosuppressant drugs for the rest of their lives, at the tune of USD1,000 (approximately) a month. Fine, if you're rich, but how many people are? A lot of people aren't rich enough to afford that, a lot of normal, healthy people. What more a dialysis patient who's just had a successful transplant?
The government will give aid to a person on dialysis but not a person who's had a successful transplant. That person will be treated like a normal healthy person. Hence, he/she will have to pay for the immunosuppressant drugs himself/herself. Month after month, for the rest of his/her life. Who can afford that? For the rest of his/her life? I don't know about them, but for me, I'd rather be on dialysis. It may be inconvenient but at least I can rest easy that I don't have to keep coughing up thousands and thousands of hard-earned money a year just to keep my transplanted kidneys alive!
And a lot of those drugs are steroids. They puff up the face horribly. I've been on steroids before for my SLE. And I say "No, thank you!", I've had enough of looking ugly for a long time! I'm not going to be on steroids for the rest of my life just to avoid the dialysis machine! It isn't worth it! Especially if I have to keep worrying about paying an exorbitant price month after month for the rest of my life!
Even if I wasn't an SLE patient, I would still choose NOT to get a transplant. For me, the added financial and physical stress just isn't worth it. Others in my position might think differently but this is my choice and this is my stand!
A bit more about SLE, in different SLE sufferers, different organs get attacked. For some, it's the kidneys, others, the heart (which can even be fatal), some others, the skin, and some, even the brain. I have been on the renal diet for a total of 13 years, which means I've managed to stall eventual dialysis for 7 years after I was first diagnosed with SLE.
What most people don't know is, even if a dialysis patient (for argument's sake, one that doesn't have SLE) does get a successful transplant, they will have to be on immunosuppressant drugs for the rest of their lives, at the tune of USD1,000 (approximately) a month. Fine, if you're rich, but how many people are? A lot of people aren't rich enough to afford that, a lot of normal, healthy people. What more a dialysis patient who's just had a successful transplant?
The government will give aid to a person on dialysis but not a person who's had a successful transplant. That person will be treated like a normal healthy person. Hence, he/she will have to pay for the immunosuppressant drugs himself/herself. Month after month, for the rest of his/her life. Who can afford that? For the rest of his/her life? I don't know about them, but for me, I'd rather be on dialysis. It may be inconvenient but at least I can rest easy that I don't have to keep coughing up thousands and thousands of hard-earned money a year just to keep my transplanted kidneys alive!
And a lot of those drugs are steroids. They puff up the face horribly. I've been on steroids before for my SLE. And I say "No, thank you!", I've had enough of looking ugly for a long time! I'm not going to be on steroids for the rest of my life just to avoid the dialysis machine! It isn't worth it! Especially if I have to keep worrying about paying an exorbitant price month after month for the rest of my life!
Even if I wasn't an SLE patient, I would still choose NOT to get a transplant. For me, the added financial and physical stress just isn't worth it. Others in my position might think differently but this is my choice and this is my stand!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
No excuses!
My weight has always been on a yo-yo trip. It goes up and down and up and down again. I have concrete proof in the form of my dialysis records. There was a time when my dry weight (weight after dialysis) was 54.5kgs! There was also a time when it was 68kgs! My dry weight is currently 56kgs and now I'm depressed! Why can't it be 50kgs?! (my goal weight).
I'm not very tall, so the slightest weight gain turns me into a round beach ball! Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little but that's how I feel whenever I see photos of myself now. My face especially is so round I feel like burying my face in the sand so no one can look at me!
My Dad keeps telling me that as a dialysis patient, I cannot exercise as intensely as a normal person. Perhaps he's right but that's no excuse for me to weigh what I weigh and to look the way I look! No excuses! No Siree! From now on, it's exercise!, exercise! and consciously making wiser choices of the foods I eat and eating less of food in general. No more desserts! And no more 'special treats' like potato chips, fries, burgers, pizza and what not.
Maybe I'll give myself a small treat of not-so-healthy foods (aka, junk) once a month, not more than that and it has be a reasonably small portion. I may not be able to exercise as intensely as a normal healthy person but that doesn't mean that I'm exempted for exercise!
I'm a fairly young adult, so it's doubly important to me to look attractive. Not just to attract the opposite sex but to make me feel good about myself and to bolster my already flagging self-esteem. I'm already very self-conscious about the scars on my dialysis arm (I can't wear too revealing clothes like off- shoulder/spaghetti straps now), so being overweight is not helping matters much.
Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to look sick or unhealthy, I can still try my best to do whatever I can to look attractive and to be healthy! So, Day 1 starts today! Well, bye! I'm off for my jog!
I'm not very tall, so the slightest weight gain turns me into a round beach ball! Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little but that's how I feel whenever I see photos of myself now. My face especially is so round I feel like burying my face in the sand so no one can look at me!
My Dad keeps telling me that as a dialysis patient, I cannot exercise as intensely as a normal person. Perhaps he's right but that's no excuse for me to weigh what I weigh and to look the way I look! No excuses! No Siree! From now on, it's exercise!, exercise! and consciously making wiser choices of the foods I eat and eating less of food in general. No more desserts! And no more 'special treats' like potato chips, fries, burgers, pizza and what not.
Maybe I'll give myself a small treat of not-so-healthy foods (aka, junk) once a month, not more than that and it has be a reasonably small portion. I may not be able to exercise as intensely as a normal healthy person but that doesn't mean that I'm exempted for exercise!
I'm a fairly young adult, so it's doubly important to me to look attractive. Not just to attract the opposite sex but to make me feel good about myself and to bolster my already flagging self-esteem. I'm already very self-conscious about the scars on my dialysis arm (I can't wear too revealing clothes like off- shoulder/spaghetti straps now), so being overweight is not helping matters much.
Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to look sick or unhealthy, I can still try my best to do whatever I can to look attractive and to be healthy! So, Day 1 starts today! Well, bye! I'm off for my jog!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
When Death Becomes More Real
I've been a dialysis patient for more than 5 years. And in these 5 years, I have experienced the death of many friends. Most of them, people above the age of 50.
You would experience a sense of detachment when you read of people dying in accidents or natural disasters in the newspapers or even if you have visuals from a TV news report. It's like a 'things that happen to others who has nothing to do with me' kind of feeling. You feel that it is not likely to happen to you and it's none of your concern, so these deaths that you read, watch or hear about takes on an unreal kind of feeling.
But when someone you personally know like a friend who undergoes dialysis with you passes away, then it brings it much close to home. It becomes too close for comfort when you think : "Oh my God, the next one could be me!". Death becomes a lot more real.
I, personally have been warned again and again : "Watch your fluid intake, you don't want to end up like Uncle A, who passed away because he was literally drowning in his lungs because he drank too much water each day!". Dialysis patients rely on their treatments to extract the extra fluids and to filter urea, creatinine and other waste products in their system as their own kidneys are no longer capable of doing that job. Trouble comes when you 'owe' the machine some body fluids per session over time. The fluids then have nowhere to go and get accumulated in the patients lungs, till he/she literally just drowns in their own body fluids, that's how Uncle A died.
I know, I have been warned again and again, not to make the mistake Uncle A and most of the countless others have done but then again, when you're thirsty, you're just thirsty, you know. You just have to drink. But I have decided to take up the challenge to weigh less each time before my dialysis treatments.
Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to drink as much ice-cold water as I want, so it's definitely going to be a challenge but if I want to live longer and not die prematurely like the uncles and aunties that have passed away, I'd better have more self-control when it comes to drinking water. No more chugging down as much cold water as I want. It's time to discipline myself! Wish me luck!
You would experience a sense of detachment when you read of people dying in accidents or natural disasters in the newspapers or even if you have visuals from a TV news report. It's like a 'things that happen to others who has nothing to do with me' kind of feeling. You feel that it is not likely to happen to you and it's none of your concern, so these deaths that you read, watch or hear about takes on an unreal kind of feeling.
But when someone you personally know like a friend who undergoes dialysis with you passes away, then it brings it much close to home. It becomes too close for comfort when you think : "Oh my God, the next one could be me!". Death becomes a lot more real.
I, personally have been warned again and again : "Watch your fluid intake, you don't want to end up like Uncle A, who passed away because he was literally drowning in his lungs because he drank too much water each day!". Dialysis patients rely on their treatments to extract the extra fluids and to filter urea, creatinine and other waste products in their system as their own kidneys are no longer capable of doing that job. Trouble comes when you 'owe' the machine some body fluids per session over time. The fluids then have nowhere to go and get accumulated in the patients lungs, till he/she literally just drowns in their own body fluids, that's how Uncle A died.
I know, I have been warned again and again, not to make the mistake Uncle A and most of the countless others have done but then again, when you're thirsty, you're just thirsty, you know. You just have to drink. But I have decided to take up the challenge to weigh less each time before my dialysis treatments.
Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to drink as much ice-cold water as I want, so it's definitely going to be a challenge but if I want to live longer and not die prematurely like the uncles and aunties that have passed away, I'd better have more self-control when it comes to drinking water. No more chugging down as much cold water as I want. It's time to discipline myself! Wish me luck!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
It all depends on how you look at it.
You know the saying, 2 people can look at a glass of water, one will say the cup is half full while the other will see the cup as half empty? In other words, 2 people can look at the same thing but have different perceptions on the same thing. The optimist will see the good in things while the pessimist will see the bad in things.
Well, I choose to be an optimist. Even though I have SLE and am now undergoing dialysis 3 times a week, I choose to see myself as blessed. I may not be working full-time and I may not earn as much as some of my friends, but I have a pretty nice life. I live with my family and I earn enough for my own expenses. Right now, I'm trying to save as much money as possible, so I try to spend less most days.
Lot's of people will say someone is my situation has to be either depressed or suicidal but not me. I used to be depressed and negative about my situation but not anymore! What's the point of constantly comparing yourself with people more fortunate than you and whining and complaining all the time? You'll only drag yourself down and make yourself even more depressed.
I choose to be happy. I choose to be contented with my lot in life. After all, this isn't our permanent home, Heaven is. I choose to live life the best I can so I'll go the Heaven when I die. Because in Heaven, there is no Death, Sickness, Pain or Sadness. It's my choice.
Consider this : I may be on dialysis but I still have the gift of sight, which I thank God daily for. I can still read, watch TV or cross-stitch, crochet or do other needlework. I still have 2 arms and 2 legs. I have 3 square meals a day and the occasional snack. There are people in this world who don't even have one meal a day.
Now, don't get me wrong : I'm not comparing myself the those less fortunate than me to make myself feel better. I'm just trying to put things into its' proper perspective. In any situation you're in, you can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to be happy. I choose to be happy and full of joy despite everything! What about you?
Well, I choose to be an optimist. Even though I have SLE and am now undergoing dialysis 3 times a week, I choose to see myself as blessed. I may not be working full-time and I may not earn as much as some of my friends, but I have a pretty nice life. I live with my family and I earn enough for my own expenses. Right now, I'm trying to save as much money as possible, so I try to spend less most days.
Lot's of people will say someone is my situation has to be either depressed or suicidal but not me. I used to be depressed and negative about my situation but not anymore! What's the point of constantly comparing yourself with people more fortunate than you and whining and complaining all the time? You'll only drag yourself down and make yourself even more depressed.
I choose to be happy. I choose to be contented with my lot in life. After all, this isn't our permanent home, Heaven is. I choose to live life the best I can so I'll go the Heaven when I die. Because in Heaven, there is no Death, Sickness, Pain or Sadness. It's my choice.
Consider this : I may be on dialysis but I still have the gift of sight, which I thank God daily for. I can still read, watch TV or cross-stitch, crochet or do other needlework. I still have 2 arms and 2 legs. I have 3 square meals a day and the occasional snack. There are people in this world who don't even have one meal a day.
Now, don't get me wrong : I'm not comparing myself the those less fortunate than me to make myself feel better. I'm just trying to put things into its' proper perspective. In any situation you're in, you can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to be happy. I choose to be happy and full of joy despite everything! What about you?
Monday, April 26, 2010
What do you think of being a Christian?
Hi again!
I was wondering why Christians make such a fuss about regular pop music. Sure, the lyrics aren't exactly what you would call holy but I find that if you close one ear it's not too bad. I certainly don't believe that all Christians should shut their ears totally to secular music and just listen to praise & worship or hymns alone. To me, that would be boring and I, for one refuse to do that.
Of course, I don't listen to the really profane like heavy metal or (I don't know what they call it) music that has lyrics relating to satanic worship or the like.
I just think that we Christians should be set apart for Christ but don't forget, we're still living in this world for now. So, should we go through life with blinkers on our eyes or earmuffs on our ears? I don't know about you but I don't think so! While we're here on Earth, we might as well enjoy what it has to offer but of course, make sure that it doesn't lead to sin, remember, I'm Christian too, despite being a little liberal when it comes to pop!
Till the next blog! Stay healthy & happy!
I was wondering why Christians make such a fuss about regular pop music. Sure, the lyrics aren't exactly what you would call holy but I find that if you close one ear it's not too bad. I certainly don't believe that all Christians should shut their ears totally to secular music and just listen to praise & worship or hymns alone. To me, that would be boring and I, for one refuse to do that.
Of course, I don't listen to the really profane like heavy metal or (I don't know what they call it) music that has lyrics relating to satanic worship or the like.
I just think that we Christians should be set apart for Christ but don't forget, we're still living in this world for now. So, should we go through life with blinkers on our eyes or earmuffs on our ears? I don't know about you but I don't think so! While we're here on Earth, we might as well enjoy what it has to offer but of course, make sure that it doesn't lead to sin, remember, I'm Christian too, despite being a little liberal when it comes to pop!
Till the next blog! Stay healthy & happy!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
My life so far.......
Hi,
I'm a woman in her mid-30s who was diagnosed with SLE in 1997. In 2004, I started HD. I've now been a HD patient for more than 5 years! Whew! how time flies!
Now, how was it discovered I had SLE? Allow me to explain. I had just graduated at that time, I applied for a job in a big company and there was a compulsory health screening. During the urine test, it was discovered that my urine had traces of kidney failure. Because the clinic would not proceed without payment, I shifted my investigation to a government hospital. And I was fortunate that I was diagnosed early without the usual running around departments in the hospital that some SLE patients face because SLE is known as the disease with many faces that is, its' symptoms are similar to many other conditions, so it's very difficult to pinpoint accurately.
Then came my next challenge : delaying dialysis for as long as possible. I was immediately advised to adopt the renal diet, which isn't as fun as the normal person's balanced diet. Which meant I had to watch my sodium, potassium & phosphate levels. I had to eat less salt, certain vegetables and fruits (potassium) and also less beans, nuts, soy products, dairy products and even mushrooms (phosphate). I was also advised to drink less fluids. I struggled with the diet for 7 years but, even though I tried my best to be obedient to the renal diet, eventually my kidneys failed and I had to start HD (hemodialysis).
It has now been slightly more than 5 years, and the dialysis center I go to has become like a second home, all the nurses and staff there have become my close friends.
Before I started HD, people used to tell me that HD was 4 hours of suffering, but it isn't! There's the initial pain of the prick of 2 needles but after that, you don't feel a thing. Then there's also the initial stage of successfully creating a fistula or graft for the HD access. It involves waiting and certain complications but once that hurdle is over, HD can become a part of your weekly routine.
What I'm trying to say is, being a dialysis patient is not so bad once you've stopped complaining and accepted it. I thank God that he has opened my eyes and heart to realize how fortunate and blessed I am despite all this.
So, if you have been diagnosed with a major chronic illness, don't fret, it's just another doorway to another life, which may not be so bad after all. We are all sojourners in this world, our REAL life begins after we die. Yes, I am a Christian, and I believe our real home is in Heaven.......
Thank you for reading my blog. I will write more from time to time, watch this blog.....
I'm a woman in her mid-30s who was diagnosed with SLE in 1997. In 2004, I started HD. I've now been a HD patient for more than 5 years! Whew! how time flies!
Now, how was it discovered I had SLE? Allow me to explain. I had just graduated at that time, I applied for a job in a big company and there was a compulsory health screening. During the urine test, it was discovered that my urine had traces of kidney failure. Because the clinic would not proceed without payment, I shifted my investigation to a government hospital. And I was fortunate that I was diagnosed early without the usual running around departments in the hospital that some SLE patients face because SLE is known as the disease with many faces that is, its' symptoms are similar to many other conditions, so it's very difficult to pinpoint accurately.
Then came my next challenge : delaying dialysis for as long as possible. I was immediately advised to adopt the renal diet, which isn't as fun as the normal person's balanced diet. Which meant I had to watch my sodium, potassium & phosphate levels. I had to eat less salt, certain vegetables and fruits (potassium) and also less beans, nuts, soy products, dairy products and even mushrooms (phosphate). I was also advised to drink less fluids. I struggled with the diet for 7 years but, even though I tried my best to be obedient to the renal diet, eventually my kidneys failed and I had to start HD (hemodialysis).
It has now been slightly more than 5 years, and the dialysis center I go to has become like a second home, all the nurses and staff there have become my close friends.
Before I started HD, people used to tell me that HD was 4 hours of suffering, but it isn't! There's the initial pain of the prick of 2 needles but after that, you don't feel a thing. Then there's also the initial stage of successfully creating a fistula or graft for the HD access. It involves waiting and certain complications but once that hurdle is over, HD can become a part of your weekly routine.
What I'm trying to say is, being a dialysis patient is not so bad once you've stopped complaining and accepted it. I thank God that he has opened my eyes and heart to realize how fortunate and blessed I am despite all this.
So, if you have been diagnosed with a major chronic illness, don't fret, it's just another doorway to another life, which may not be so bad after all. We are all sojourners in this world, our REAL life begins after we die. Yes, I am a Christian, and I believe our real home is in Heaven.......
Thank you for reading my blog. I will write more from time to time, watch this blog.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)