No excuses!

My weight has always been on a yo-yo trip. It goes up and down and up and down again. I have concrete proof  in the form of my dialysis records. There was a time when my dry weight (weight after dialysis) was 54.5kgs! There was also a time when it was 68kgs! My dry weight is currently 56kgs and now I'm depressed! Why can't it be 50kgs?! (my goal weight).

I'm not very tall, so the slightest weight gain turns me into a round beach ball! Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little but that's how I feel whenever I see photos of myself now. My face especially is so round I feel like burying my face in the sand so no one can look at me!

My Dad keeps telling me that as a dialysis patient, I cannot exercise as intensely as a normal person. Perhaps he's right but that's no excuse for me to weigh what I weigh and to look the way I look! No excuses! No Siree! From now on, it's exercise!, exercise! and consciously making wiser choices of the foods I eat and eating less of food in general. No more desserts! And no more 'special treats' like potato chips, fries, burgers, pizza and what not.

Maybe I'll give myself a small treat of not-so-healthy foods (aka, junk) once a month, not more than that and it has be a reasonably small portion. I may not be able to exercise as intensely as a normal healthy person but that doesn't mean that I'm exempted for exercise!

I'm a fairly young adult, so it's doubly important to me to look attractive. Not just to attract the opposite sex but to make me feel good about myself and to bolster my already flagging self-esteem. I'm already very self-conscious about the scars on my dialysis arm (I can't wear too revealing clothes like off- shoulder/spaghetti straps now), so being overweight is not helping matters much.

Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to look sick or unhealthy, I can still try my best to do whatever I can to look attractive and to be healthy! So, Day 1 starts today! Well, bye! I'm off for my jog!

When Death Becomes More Real

I've been a dialysis patient for more than 5 years. And in these 5 years, I have experienced the death of many friends. Most of them, people above the age of 50.

You would experience a sense of detachment when you read of people dying in accidents or natural disasters in the newspapers or even if you have visuals from a TV news report. It's like a 'things that happen to others who has nothing to do with me' kind of feeling. You feel that it is not likely to happen to you and it's none of your concern, so these deaths that you read, watch or hear about takes on an unreal kind of feeling.

But when someone you personally know like a friend who undergoes dialysis with you passes away, then it brings it much close to home. It becomes too close for comfort when you think : "Oh my God, the next one could be me!". Death becomes a lot more real.

I, personally have been warned again and again : "Watch your fluid intake, you don't want to end up like Uncle A, who passed away because he was literally drowning in his lungs because he drank too much water each day!". Dialysis patients rely on their treatments to extract the extra fluids and to filter urea, creatinine and other waste products in their system as their own kidneys are no longer capable of doing that job. Trouble comes when you 'owe' the machine some body fluids per session over time. The fluids then have nowhere to go and get accumulated in the patients lungs, till he/she literally just drowns in their own body fluids, that's how Uncle A died.

I know, I have been warned again and again, not to make the mistake Uncle A and most of the countless others have done but then again, when you're thirsty, you're just thirsty, you know. You just have to drink. But I have decided to take up the challenge to weigh less each time before my dialysis treatments.

Unfortunately, I have been accustomed to drink as much ice-cold water as I want, so it's definitely going to be a challenge but if I want to live longer and not die prematurely like the uncles and aunties that have passed away, I'd better have more self-control when it comes to drinking water. No more chugging down as much cold water as I want. It's time to discipline myself! Wish me luck!

It all depends on how you look at it.

You know the saying, 2 people can look at a glass of water, one will say the cup is half full while the other will see the cup as half empty? In other words, 2 people can look at the same thing but have different perceptions on the same thing. The optimist will see the good in things while the pessimist will see the bad in things.

Well, I choose to be an optimist. Even though I have SLE and am now undergoing dialysis 3 times a week, I choose to see myself as blessed. I may not be working full-time and I may not earn as much as some of my friends, but I have a pretty nice life. I live with my family and I earn enough for my own expenses. Right now, I'm trying to save as much money as possible, so I try to spend less most days.

Lot's of people will say someone is my situation has to be either depressed or suicidal but not me. I used to be depressed and negative about my situation but not anymore! What's the point of constantly comparing yourself with people more fortunate than you and whining and complaining all the time? You'll only drag yourself down and make yourself even more depressed.

I choose to be happy. I choose to be contented with my lot in life. After all, this isn't our permanent home, Heaven is. I choose to live life the best I can so I'll go the Heaven when I die. Because in Heaven, there is no Death, Sickness, Pain or Sadness. It's my choice.

Consider this : I may be on dialysis but I still have the gift of sight, which I thank God daily for. I can still read, watch TV or cross-stitch, crochet or do other needlework. I still have 2 arms and 2 legs. I have 3 square meals a day and the occasional snack. There are people in this world who don't even have one meal a day.

Now, don't get me wrong : I'm not comparing myself the those less fortunate than me to make myself feel better. I'm just trying to put things into its' proper perspective. In any situation you're in, you can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to be happy. I choose to be happy and full of joy despite everything! What about you?

What do you think of being a Christian?

Hi again!

I was wondering why Christians make such a fuss about regular pop music. Sure, the lyrics aren't exactly what you would call holy but I find that if you close one ear it's not too bad. I certainly don't believe that all Christians should shut their ears totally to secular music and just listen to praise & worship or hymns alone. To me, that would be boring and I, for one refuse to do that.

Of course, I don't listen to the really profane like heavy metal or (I don't know what they call it) music that has lyrics relating to satanic worship or the like.

I just think that we Christians should be set apart for Christ but don't forget, we're still living in this world for now. So, should we go through life with blinkers on our eyes or earmuffs on our ears? I don't know about you but I don't think so! While we're here on Earth, we might as well enjoy what it has to offer but of course, make sure that it doesn't lead to sin, remember, I'm Christian too, despite being a little liberal when it comes to pop!

Till the next blog! Stay healthy & happy!

My life so far.......

Hi,

I'm a woman in her mid-30s who was diagnosed with SLE in 1997. In 2004, I started HD. I've now been a HD patient for more than 5 years! Whew! how time flies!

Now, how was it discovered I had SLE? Allow me to explain. I had just graduated at that time, I applied for a job in a big company and there was a compulsory health screening. During the urine test, it was discovered that my urine had traces of kidney failure. Because the clinic would not proceed without payment, I shifted my investigation to a government hospital. And I was fortunate that I was diagnosed early without the usual running around departments in the hospital that some SLE patients face because SLE is known as the disease with many faces that is, its' symptoms are similar to many other conditions, so it's very difficult to pinpoint accurately.

Then came my next challenge : delaying dialysis for as long as possible. I was immediately advised to adopt the renal diet, which isn't as fun as the normal person's balanced diet. Which meant I had to watch my sodium, potassium & phosphate levels. I had to eat less salt, certain vegetables and fruits (potassium) and also less beans, nuts, soy products, dairy products and even mushrooms (phosphate). I was also advised to drink less fluids. I struggled with the diet for 7 years but, even though I tried my best to be obedient to the renal diet, eventually my kidneys failed and I had to start HD (hemodialysis).

It has now been slightly more than 5 years, and the dialysis center I go to has become like a second home, all the nurses and staff there have become my close friends.

Before I started HD, people used to tell me that HD was 4 hours of suffering, but it isn't! There's the initial pain of the prick of 2 needles but after that, you don't feel a thing. Then there's also the initial stage of successfully creating a fistula or graft for the HD access. It involves waiting and certain complications but once that hurdle is over, HD can become a part of your weekly routine.

What I'm trying to say is, being a dialysis patient is not so bad once you've stopped complaining and accepted it. I thank God that he has opened my eyes and heart to realize how fortunate and blessed I am despite all this.

So, if you have been diagnosed with a major chronic illness, don't fret, it's just another doorway to another life, which may not be so bad after all. We are all sojourners in this world, our REAL life begins after we die. Yes, I am a Christian, and I believe our real home is in Heaven.......

Thank you for reading my blog. I will write more from time to time, watch this blog.....